theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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