Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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