Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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