my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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