He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I touched a dick in church today
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
