Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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