So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize