just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize