she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
