I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize