1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
