i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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