Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
