Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
