the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Found your dick twin last night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
