Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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