Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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