The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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