Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You can't special order awesome
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
