The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
