i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
