Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
