here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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