I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
