OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
