I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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