After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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