if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
