Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
