Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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