bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
