Jerry, you need to find god
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
