I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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