So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize