I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
