You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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