I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
