So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think I sprained my soul last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
