Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i think i just lost a toe
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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