dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
