Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
