Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
