lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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