other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
