Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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