Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
