I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
