our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
