so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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