I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
