Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
