If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
