I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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