dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
