I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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