I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
