How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
