Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
