i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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