based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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