i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
